Title: 1.B  Meanness

Session Date and Time: Oct 5, 2010,  2-3:30 pm

Issue/Topic: Why are people mean to each other when they are working together and how can we change this?

Convener/Facilitator: Melyssa Jo Kelly

Notes-taker:

Participants:    Fred Cook, Lenel de Emma, David Hartsough, Jan Hartsough, Stacy Kono,
Edwin Rutsch,  John Testa.

Following is a report on the decisions made in one of the Action Groups at the 9/12/10 Compassionate Politics Workshop. Please feel free to post comments, questions, and reports on follow through actions.

 

Some Causes:

• Behavior driven by

  • ego,

  • the desire to be in control,

  • feeling “better than” others,

  • competition,

  • individualism,

  • sense of scarcity,

  • hierarchy,

  • the desire for power (also known as “Everybody wants to be King;”)

  • people pushing their own agendas;

• heavy-handed inter-personal dynamics;

• the loss of tribal histories;

• inattention to people’s feelings;

• lack of commitment to addressing and resolving conflicts;

• being dualistic (seeing things as black/white, good/bad).

Some Effects:

• a person feels disrespected, insulted, hurt, or unheard by someone;

•  their reaction may be defensive and they may be mean to (or say mean things about) the person who hurt them, beginning an endless cycle which diminishes and may destroy a group’s ability to function.

Some Decisions:

• Be open-hearted;

• Use effective communication techniques, such as;

  •  Non-Violent Communication,

  • empathetic listening,

  •  reflective listening,

  •  active listening,

  •  affirming responses;

• Create Restorative Circles in which people listen, take responsibility, and take action;

• Ensure all voices are heard;

• Be receptive to hearing other points of view;

• Use empathy and compassion to remove barriers to group action;

• Build community within a group by trusting, being thoughtful, communicating, and repairing;

• Act on the principle that the means is as important as the end (the process is as important as the production);

• Sustain each other for the long haul;

• Seek, listen to, and respect everyone’s own “truth;” work with people who find common ground and share values;

• Try to explain your point of view and try to understand another’s point of view;

• Get a 360 degree perspective on group leaders and members by seeking input from entire group;

• First build relationships, then take on tasks;

• Exchange in-depth “Stories of Self” with the whole group;

• Discuss, dialogue, and listen;

• Do follow-up contact;

• Agree on a group commitment to the process, even though individual behavior, perspectives and priorities may differ;

• Commit to a shared intent, process, and project; accept people as they are, where they are;

• Get support for yourself from people you trust to listen to you vent, show empathy and keep confidentiality;

• Expect conflicts to arise;

• Learn to see conflict as an opportunity for learning and growth;

• Resolve conflicts using reflective listening to hear and be heard, and finding empathy and compassion through deepened understanding;

• Establish group guidelines:  

  • listen,

  • no put-downs,

  • work on conflicts,

  • respect confidentiality,

  • stay accountable;

• Make creating relationships a goal;

• Cultivate multi-dimensionality;

• Help everyone feel heard and have a sense of ownership;

• Guard against process becoming more important than action; support, love and protect leaders;

• Nurture leadership skills in everyone;

• Consider needs and capacities;

• Redefine leadership.

___Dialogue Box ____ Comments ________ Discussions ___________

Comments 1
 

Comments 2
 

Comments 3
 

Comments etc.

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