An empathy
circle is an opportunity to nurture, practice and deepen empathy with
ourselves and others in an environment where we specifically intend to
build a global culture of empathy. Deeper empathy has many
benefits; it feels great, it fosters learning, connection, creativity,
social change, reduces stress and supports effective collaborative
action, transforms conflict, it fosters resilience, as well as builds
trust and heals.
[Why do we have the intention of deepening empathy?]
How to do Empathic Listening
Empathy Circle
creates a space or 'container' for practices and exercises that nurture
empathy. A basic foundation of empathy circles is empathic
listening. Once we learn this way of listening, we can keep adding
more and more empathy building exercise to the circle.
You can start practicing listening with just one other person. Later you
can add more people to the circle. We begin by with a question
like, “How can we work together to create more empathy in ourselves and
the world?”
Sitting across from each other, the first person speaks about
whatever comes up for them. The listener reflects back what they are
hearing, until the speaker feels heard to their satisfaction. Then it
is the listeners turn to speak and the other person to reflect back what
they are hearing. The dialog continues back and forth like this.
Tips
As Speaker
Pause often to give the
listener a chance to reflect back what they heard.
Remember that you are
guiding the listener in how to hear you to your satisfaction.
When you are done talking,
you can say something like, “I’m fully heard” to indicate that you are
done and it’s the listeners turn to speak.
As Listener
Just reflect back,
summarize, paraphrase, etc. what you hear as best you can.
There is no right-wrong
here. No need to worry about getting it right, the speaker can just
say it again.
While it’s the speakers
turn to talk, refrain from asking questions, judging, analyzing,
detaching, diagnosing, advising or sympathizing. When it’s your turn
to speak, you can say whatever you want.
In some ways empathic listening is a very simple process, which is what
make it so powerful. It's easily learnable and reproducible. To do it
well, however, takes practice, practice and more practices. In time is
deepens an empathic way of being in the world.
Expanding the Circle
With this basic process, you can start creating larger circles and add
other empathy building exercises. Visit our website for more about how
to take part in and host circles in-person or online. http://cultureofempathy.com/Projects/Empathy-Movement/
I, You or We: What is the
awareness that we create? We create more of a sense of we'ness.
What is happening when I see the other in me, or our we'ness. Once we come
into a shared space and then we can let go of the reflective listening
as a tool and can
share meaning.RL may not be
creating a we space.
You're going from one side to the other, you may not be creating a we space.
a shared spaced.
How To
Have you been heard to your Satisfaction?
Benefits
Circles Build Empathic Resilience
Difficulties with Reflective Listening
Feeling I'm not doing it right
People get fed up with both being reflected and reflecting others, because they
are losing the flow of the conversation. They want the experience of the
uninterrupted flow.
interfere
with the flow of the conversation - A problem may be
that the reflection can interfere with the flow of the conversation..
You may be very excited about sharing a story and be on a real roll
sharing it, but you have to stop and think of the other person and stop
and give then a chance to reflect what it is that you are saying.
superficial
takes too long
I'm saying I'm heard but I'm not fully heard.
Types of Reflections It's possible to take different perspectives
in the listening
First Person: I hear you say -
First Person Embodied: I am you and
reflecting
Third person
Next Steps
RL this is only the first step in the empathy circles. We do this a
wile until we become very familiar with it. '
Other Steps
Deeper Reflections
feelings
values
intentions
needs
attitudes
Role Take
NVC
Compassionate Listening
We want everyone to be trained in the process so that they can
Host empathy circles
Create more empathy circles
Train others in the process
Creatively contribute to developing the intentions and process
Host a variety of Empathy Circles
Empathy Circles
Family Empathy Circles
Business Empathy Circles
School Empathy Circles
Restorative Empathy Circles
Try to avoided the blocks to empathy.
Judging
Fixing
Questioning
Me tooing
Analyzing
Projects to do
How do we raise the harvesting quality of the circles?
I
feel we need to do more with capturing and documenting the ideas and
insights we come up with in the circles. It needs to be captured
better and also converted into a form that is more usable for other
people. Having a well organized Empathy Circle Handbook would help. It
would give a framework for where we can add and post our learning's into
a overall structure.
Some other ideas maybe, people who are
not listening in the circle could write into a Google doc what they are hearing and
their ideas as they arise. This would take some training and we would
need to mute our mics when we were writing to avoid the typing sounds.
We need a post circle cleanup period where we organize
the material into a useful form.
Learning's
Importance of sharing how we are now at the beginning of the Empathy Circle
Sherry and I we're starting to do some organizing, work and
documentation together on the Restorative Empathy Circle process.
We both had some frustrations that were in our bodies. We starting
just sharing our feelings and being reflected. I shared my
stress about doing good organizing, how I find it difficult to
organize in some way, I more enjoy a stream of consciousness and
improvised way doing writing. Sherry then shared concerns about
her son going back to basic training and her concerns about that. Both of us sharing our feelings that we were carrying and hearing the
reflected back connected us and was settling. We were then able to
work more effectively.
[lesson: before starting to work or hold the circle, check in with
what is going on with everyone, what feelings is everyone holding and
let them be shared and reflected. It connects and settles
everyone. Makes us ready to bring our full attention to the task
at hand. ]
Joe - I think that when people are trained on RL and know what it is
expected of them, it can be helpful. I think when you are in
mediations or circles and you just sort of ask people to reflect
back what they have heard - that can backfire.
Or if people are just parroting back, if it's just parroted
back, you just say what I said, that would annoy me because it's
not the words that people reflect, it's the meaning.
So I think you cannot just say back to people, that I heard you are
angry, they say, 'Well I'm really angry" - "So I heard that you
are angry". I don't this that that's helpful.
Where, what I think is helpful is people getting to the meaning
and understanding, creating empathy and connection trough meaning.
Some of the stuff I've watched in the circles that you've done, people
are just repeating back to each other what was said. And I don't know
that I think that that is really reflective listening as I understand
it. Because it's too easy. If all I have to do is reflect back
to you what you said, word for word, that's not hard. And it doesn't
create connection the same way that reflecting back the meaning does.
So I think people need to be trained in it. Or have some guidelines
that would help them be able to reflect back. Does that make sense to
you?
Edwin - reflects
Joe - Not just a training but some guidelines so people understand.
And then keeping in mind that in mediation and conflict it's always a
tool to do what Marshall Rosenberg calls, 'Pull at the Ears.'
You know trying to get out of someone else what they hearing someone
else say, which is that whole reflect back piece. That can backfire
sometimes. If people are not ready to do that, and you say, "so and
so, tell me what you heard Edwin saying", that could go really wrong.
"What I hear him saying is blah blah blah blah.." The intention
of that might not always come off, as well as, the actual. When you
have real live conflict when people are angry with each other, and you
go back to them and ask them to reflect back what they heard someone
else say,. What they heard and what they are willing to repeat
back maybe just end the circle since the wrong things were said.
Edwin - reflects
Joe - It's not that they don't want to do it or can't do it,
it's that they are too angry to do it. You say, "Edwin, tell me what
your hearing so and so say," but you're really angry with so and so,
you're not going to just politely say, " I hear him say, that...."
Your probably going to say, "He thinks I'm a fucking ass." The
anger is going to come out, more than the empathy. So I think
people have to be ready to do that. And it's not a tool in mediation
that I would pull out lightly or quickly. I certainly wouldn't do it
in the beginning of a mediation, I'd probably wait a while until
people had a chance to get their story told, then heard, get a little
empathy, and then I might ask them to start reflecting back.
Which is interesting because I know that Dominic Barter's restorative
circles actually start off with RL.
Edwin - The thing is, it doesn't quite start that way. As the
facilitator you go to each of disputants and your actually empathizing
with them in the pre-circle. So you are modeling it (empathy), you're
going and listening. They are able to discharge, to start feeling
heard, and that takes the stress level down a bit so that when
they do come together, they've already been heard for 20 or 30
minutes or more.
Joe - I could tell you that that would work for maybe half of
the time. But my experience of seeing people in conflict, .. I did
a case last night, there was a woman in their that you could give her
empathy for days, it would never be enough. There would always be more
there that she needs empathy about. It's not so simple that it's
just that they will be heard and they will calm down. That's true some
of the time, it's not always true. When we are trying to do conflict
resolution or circles, there's always that one or 2 people there that
may never be ready to do that.
Edwin - We had someone in a circle like that, that came to the
circle and she is into autism rights, and she says she has autism.
She is fighting against the notion that people who have autism have
low empathy. She says that is dehumanizing. She can into the circle
and she talked for 30 or 40 minutes getting reflection to the point
where it was an unending pit, the facilitators had to say they had to
move on to the next person. It's exactly what your talking about this
unending.. (need to speak and be heard). it was hard for the
facilitators to hold that. The thing is, I saw in a later post, she
said this circle was so great.
Joe - I think that for lot of people though, an I've me
people like this in conflicts and mediations, where you just have
those parties that they are never going to get enough empathy from
you, and you are not going to give them enough empathy in the circle.
They are not the people you go to and say, "so, tell me
what you heard so and so say."
Edwin - You said there needs to be guidelines for RL, what kind
of guidelines were you thinking of.
Joe - That's a good question, I don't know what the guidelines would
be.
One would be to reflect back not just the words but the meaning. Have
people understand that it's not their job to reflect back the words
that were just said, but to reflect back their understanding of the
meaning.
Edwin
- It can be seen as the person that is doing the speaking, that is up
to them to say wether they have been heard or not. The
responsibility is there. If the person is reflecting back whatever
they're reflecting, it's up to the speaker to say if they have been
heard to their satisfaction. And if it's just parroting and I
feel satisfied that I've been heard to my satisfaction, then that is
fine. I just head of that from Stephen Covey, author of
"7 habits of successful people." He says reflect back to the
satisfaction of the speaker. That's another aspect to it. There's the
reflecting back the meaning, but then there's another aspect to
reflect back to the satisfaction of the speaker. Had you though of it
that aspect of it.
[if you feel the person is just parroting back what they hear you say,
and it doesn't capture your meaning,, keep at it until you feel they
satisfactorily reflect your meaning. ]
Joe - I think for some people just repeating back what you said, works
for them. I've seen that and am kind of puzzled. Because to me it
sounds ridiculously simple. I know for other people I've hear that
that is annoying them. So the response is not positive. It's a curious
thing how do you know whether or not people will be elated by it and
overjoyed by it, that you could repeat back to them what you said or
they will be pissed and annoyed by it because they think your just
repeating back what they've said. It sounds like Russian roulette.
A big gamble it that will be effective or harmful.
Edwin - So there will be these general classes of people that will
react differently to it. We need to see the deeper aspects or meaning
of RL to make it work more consistently.
13:30 Joe - yeah,, I think that says it well. I think the key
word you said was consistency. How do you do it in a way that
consistently works. Versus that gamble, this might or might not work.
This could help or it could hurt, and how do you do something that is
consistently helpful.
Edwin - So what we are doing is setting it up in the circle, so this
is the form that we are going to use. So this is the agreed upon form,
so everybody agrees that we are going to do it. We're just going it be
exploring this and I think that gets rid of the annoyance because
we're just exploring this and it's a way to settle into it. An
to explore the contours of the experience just to see how it works and
to see the landscape of it. What does it feel like t you to
explore it as an experience. We practiced RL in the empathy circle, so
that when we did the REC, everybody was already primed to do it (RL).
They had done some steps before hand so they could easily do the RL.
15:00 Joe - Your saying that because you set it up, that you
preempted it and set it up in a way that would work, that you think
more often than not it would work.
Edwin - A lawyer joined the circle and he didn't want to do the
reflective listening, he wanted to give advice. It was like, god dam
it, I want to give you advice, and the person way replying , no you
didn't hear me correctly. /Keep say it over and over, 'you're not
getting it. ' He was wanting so badly to give advice to the person.
So having to reflect rolls over that advice giving. He has to shift
his thinking . You could just see the pain involved in having to
shift from that advice giving mode to a listening and reflecting
mode. He still hasn't given up on wanting to give advice.
Those are they kinds of nuances that I want to explore. Someone would
just start talking. She was so used to always just talking and doing
these long talks, then you come up with, the person you are talking
too can't reflect when you're doing these long talks. You have
to have to be slower and be thinking of the other person so that they
can actually follow you.. That was another dynamic that also came up.
These are all interesting dynamics that I see and would like to
document as well.
17:32 Joe - Those are a lot of things that come up in
mediations or even group dialogs. You always have a couple of people
that aren't in a space where they can listen. Therefore they can also
not reflect back, because in order to reflect back you have to have to
be present and listening to them. That not a skill that many of us
have.
18:00 - Edwin - yeah, it's like my mother is like the worst. I did a
facilitated family conflict and I could not get her to reflect
back.......
19:00 Joe - Another thing to think about is that for the
movement the people you are creating this structure with are
people who are nterested in empathy and interested in this kind of
world. And quite frankly not everyone is like that, so what happens
when you bring this into a conflict where the people don't think like
that. I'm thinking of the mediation I recently did where people don't
care about understanding each other, they just don't. They want
what they want, and that's why they came to the mediation because they
hope they can get what they want. You might shift them away from
getting what they want to getting something else.
You might shift them form seeing somebody else's point of view, all
kinds of cool things could happen, there's just no promise or
guarantee. Depending on where they are and meeting them where
they are, asking them to do reflections and thinks like that, that
could back fire pretty nasty,
20:18 - Edwin - I did that with the republicans and democrats. I
ran into some of these problems. I saw there needs to be a lot of prep
work before going into it. Having printed material, directions, a
video beforehand, pre circles,
20.50 - Joe - it can get expensive. I still like the circle idea, I
guess I'm still resistant to the RL piece. How do you get it to a
place it works.
Circle Outline During the first half hour of the circle we discussed our experience
with using reflective listening as part of the circle process.
8:30 - Talking for half an hour about reflective listen
9:40 - Maya
- I've been talking about this experience a lot lately with random
people, people I know and friends.. I call it active listening and
this experience has been life changing for me. Having this
opportunity to go through the step of not just mindfully listening to
someone but also having to repeat the words of this other person just
to check and get the feedback of the other person, whether they we're
really heard or not.
I have seen the application and I've seen the
opportunity to apply this experience to every day life and to many
facets of life - with my children I've been a better listener. I have
not gone to the next step which is to ask them to be better listeners.
But I have made the decision to be a better listener myself.
I've talked to a lot of people, I talk to somebody last night who is a
teacher,
11:20 - Malka - reflects
12:50 - Maya I said about the children that I'm being
mindful using active listening with them, I'm not sure yet how to be a
teacher of active listening toward my children or other people. But
the point for my own experience with mindfulness has been very well
taken because I've had the chance to experiment with mindful listening
through what we are doing here.
13:20 - Malka - reflects
13:44 - Maya - Maybe it's not really pondering because
it's so new to me. Maybe I'm in the phase where I'm acquiring the
skill myself and I'm
looking forward to the next step which is being able to teach it.
14:00 - Malka - reflect
14:30 Maya - I've been looking at live conversations,
whether political conversations on TV or everyday conversations that I
encounter, I've been listening differently, and often being frustrated
at how people step in and interrupt, give their own resolution or
point of view. It would be more constructive to be listening.
15:30 - Malka - reflect - You've become more aware of
listening to people and whether people listen to each other and you've
become frustrated noticing how people tend to jump in with their
conclusions or interrupting, and not really listening well to each
other and how much better the world would be if we listened
better to each other.
Maya - Or how more constructive the moment would be if
we listened.
Malka - And you noticed how much more constructive the
moment between people would be if they listened, using the tools I
guess that you liked.
16:20 - I feel fully heard,
16:22 - Malka to Lidewij - I
like a lot reflective listening. For some reason I also feel some
frustration. I feel that because it's an area that I'm
learning, it's new to me and I'm excited about it, that it's not
completely satisfactory to me to do just the reflective back and
forth. I feel that I, I think that the exercise of
reflective listening is so important, it's part of what I do at work,
but I feel that it should be part of what we do and not the whole hour
and a half need to be reflecting back what we say to each other.
I kind of feel that ahh.... it's very satisfying
to be reflected back, it's absolutely so. It's satisfying when I have
something important or emotional to share, to get support when I want
to like the stuff you Lidewij shared with us, you know how your
grandmother is doing, and this kind of experiences, but when we
do it in terms of studying or reading a chapter, it is less important
to me, or less valuable to me. So that is my experience.
18:20 - Lidewij - reflect
19:20 - Malka - It's interesting that when I meet
with a friend or sit down with people and have something very
important to share and need support, I really need the reflective
listening, but when it's a matter of learning a content I feel I would
also benefit from the richness of everyone's views or take on it
without having to reflect it back but just listen and have it be a
fruitful conversation. So I feel I would need both of these elements.
I wouldn't give up on anyone of them, but I need both of them I
feel.
20:00 - Lidewij - reflects
20:50 - Lidewij to Edwin - I enjoyed this first hearing
what Maya and Malka had to say, because immediately when Maya was
talking about - 'I'm practicing it, I'm doing it in daily life and it
really makes me a better listener, and I see also the benefits of
listening to to others, but then I'm not sure how I can teach my
children to do the same with me.'
I think that is a very interesting point there,
how do you
informally teach your children or the people you work with to also
listen to you after you have shown them that you listened to them?
I think that is something we could do more with, that would be very
interesting to do more with in these circles.
21:55 - Edwin - reflects
22:59 - Lidewij - And teaching it, especially with
children, teaching it in a playful way without that need to do it this
way and only this way. So yeah, I think that would be interesting. I
also resonate with what Malka says about having different forms of
dialog in the empathy circles. And this conversation, but I thought
well, but this conversation on the content of the chapters to me the
reflective listening also helps on the content of the chapters because
we chew it over twice, so it sticks with me more easily.
23:46 - Edwin - reflects
24:50 - Lidewij - One more thing I noticed about
the reflective listening to me is that it changes my mind set, like it
does with this mindfulness practice. I come in to really
listen. And so having that reflective listening format in our circles,
I feel it
makes me more open, more aware and I have a better focused attention
in the circles due to this practice, to this constant practice, while
when we have open conversation my focus is far less precise.
And that is not always a problem, but I notice that it is that
way.
25:45 - Edwin - reflects
26:30 - Lidewij - There's also the openness.
I feel more open to the people in the circle, I open up more easily
because of the reflective listening .
26:40 - Edwin - reflects
27:00 - Edwin - Yaffa - There's a lot of different
aspects to Reflective Listening. I'm really interested in exploring
the phases, aspects or facets of Reflective Listening.
27:20 - Yaffa - reflects
27:30 - Edwin - Yes, it's like a crystal. You
know a crystal has a lot of different planes to it. So the Reflective
Listening has a lot of planes and aspects to it just like a crystal
does.
27:45 - Yaffa - reflects
28:00 - Edwin - One facet is that when Maya was
talking she, she was in a real roll and very excited to share, and she
could have just kept going, but her energy was blocked by having
to speak in short bursts that Malka could reflect. So it changes the
energy there, from very engaged sharing to having to share a little
bit and then stopping and wait for Malka to reflect. So it
changes the dynamics of the sharing.
28:43 - Yaffa - reflects
29:34 - Edwin - On one hand I feel it would be nice if
Maya could have shared the full flow and content of her story without
it having been interrupted. But then there are a lot of people, like
my mother, that they get started on their story and there's not end to
the story. It's like, I don't care about you, I just want to tell my
story and the hell with you. So this is like saying, stop, and think
about the person your talking to. Are they with you? Can they handle
all the stuff that you are throwing at them, for example.
30:28 - Yaffa - reflects
31:10 - Edwin - It's like the awareness of what is our
relationship, and keeping that relationship, an awareness of the other
person.
31:25 - Yaffa - reflects
31:45 - Edwin - yes, that's one facet and I feel heard
about that. And fully heard for now. There are many facets and I would
like to explore them, but feel fully heard to this point.
32:09 - Yaffa to Malka - I'm curious about your other
facets now.
It was interesting to listen to everybody, and I have a
lot of the same reflections.
What I learn for myself, that when somebody talks to
me, or when I talk to somebody, I'm more engaged. But it's interesting
to see that when other people talk to other people, find it actually
helpful o have it repeated because I notice I'm not as engaged. That's
something interesting for me to reflect on.
So like I think Lidewij was saying, when you hear a
story twice, I catch myself saying, "oh. now that it's repeated I got
it." I get disconnected a little bit, so that's good and bad.
I notice in myself that when I am not the one who
speaks or listens, I feel ahh..
33:31 - Malka - reflects
34:35 - Yaffa - I can see the benefits of Reflective
Listening and I think it's important. It has a lot of good skills to
learn and be aware of yourself and the other. And really make sure
that you listen very deeply, but it definitely has an element of
somewhat of, boredom is a strong word, but a little disengagement.
I think I agree with Malka, that it would be different if it was
connected to more emotional exploration, rather than content
exploration. I get impatient with the content exploration a
little bit, not when I talk or someone talks to me, but when I
listen to the rest I get disengaged and I don't get enough into the
content, because there is something in the process that is a bit
repetitive and putting me off a little bit, but I notice I don't
listen because of the disengagement I think.
We talked about everyone's experience with Reflective Listening?
11:45
Sherry to Shelly - I'm noticing how useful this regular practice
is for me in being able to show up in all the other things I do. And I
think it almost doesn't seem to mater what I'm reflecting or what the
content of what I'm expressing is or what I'm reflecting. It's the
process of the empathy itself that seems to be so supportive.
That said, I
also think that talking about the topic of empathy and reflective
listening is one that interests me as well and I think is important so
I'm quite open to answering the questions Edwin has in mind [about
reflective listening]. - What ever they are because I trust Edwin.
15:55 - Shelly
reflects -
13:50 -
Sherry - It's close, but it's not that I want to help Edwin, it's
that engaging in the questions he has is likely to support empathy, so
I'd like to do that. I think it's useful for all of us is the
distinction I'm making.
14:15 - Shelly
reflects -
14:30 -
Sherry - To support empathy in the world, I'm still resisting the word
help.-********************
**** - Shelly
reflects - ********************
**** -
Sherry - ********************
**** - Shelly
reflects - ********************
19:30 -Shelly to
Teresa - I would also be very open to cooperating with
everybody ********************
****** -Teresa
reflects - *************
23:22 - Teresa
-to Edwin - I wanted to share something that I was feeling about empathy
and self-empathy. I was talking with my son and was trying to be
empathic with him but found myself being really frustrated and needed to
just say to him, 'hold on a minute I just got to take a few minutes. I
had to give myself some silent self-empathy because what I was feeling
was not appropriate to be said out loud. I'm thinking that
sometimes it's a process that we need to think about. When we are trying
to give empathy in certain situations it might be tough and we might be
hearing things we don't want to hear or deal with. Even though we
want to be empathic with someone else we can't do it unless we deal with
our own inner self first. Sometime it good to just say wait a
minute or even excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and have some quite
time. If that's necessary. It can keep peace in a situation.
24.36 - Edwin
reflects - *
25:26 -
Teresa - ************* noticing the triggers - the real world is not
like an empathy circle, it comes at you fast.
26.16 -
Edwin reflects - *
27:20 -
Edwin - how would you explain to someone how RL works.
28:51 - Teresa -
Reflective listening is a process or exercise of listening to what
someone has to say and paraphrasing or repeating back with the similar,
or the same words if you can't come up with different words, of the body
or message of what they are saying. Instead of trying to
immediately going to trying to fix a problem or sharing a similar same
story, it's completely taking yourself out of it and just
listening to them. It's not taking it personally, it's not thought
of as a problem to fix, just simply listening to the what the person has
to say and telling them what you heard them say.
29:46 -
Edwin - reflects
30:08 - Teresa -
Yes and not taking it personally and thinking, "oh, what you're saying
is something about me." It's hearing exactly what they are saying
and feeling and trying to understand that, instead of having anything to
do with a problem or what you are actually hearing, like an observation
instead of a judgment.
30:29 -
Edwin reflects
30:37 - Teresa -
fully heard
30:54 -
Edwin to Sherry - I'm looking at really wanting to explore reflective listening.
I use the metaphor of seeing the landscape of the experience..
31.20 - Sherry
reflects
31:30 - Edwin
- I wanting to map out the experience, just as we would a landscape.
There's a felt experience involved in reflective listening. I'm wanting
to explain that landscape and explore it.
31.50 - Sherry
reflects
32:38 - Edwin
- I'm setting the context here for my own clarity.
32.45 - Sherry
reflects
33:06 - Edwin - I really liked what Teresa said, "When I
share something I feel my experience go out into the world towards the
person. And then that experience is reflected back to be too the best of
the listeners ability.
33.31 - Sherry reflects
33:06 - Edwin - and in the same way as the listener I
reflect back what it is that I'm hearing them say.
34.00 - Sherry reflects
34:00 - Edwin - I like that part about not taking it
personally because what happens in a lot of dialog, someone says
something to me and I will react by saying, "oh no that's not the way it
is. or feel a sense of irritation, or aggravation". So with
Reflective Listening, I just reflect back what I'm hearing the person
say
34.46 - Sherry reflects
35:01 - Edwin - I'm feeling my explanation as being rather
complicated .
35.05 - Sherry reflects
35:13 - Edwin - I do wonder if people would understand what
I'm taking about. I'm not even sure if I understand it.
35.18 - Sherry reflects
35:28 - Edwin - Yes, this is a good exercise to simplify.
35.33 - Sherry reflects
35:40 - Edwin - Because at it's core Reflective Listening is so
simple, you shares something and the person tell you back what it
is they're hearing until you as the speaker say, "yeah, I've been fully
heard. You fully heard what it is that I was saying."
35.57 - Sherry reflects
36.21 - Edwin - It is so simple and yet there's a real profundity
to it. There's something profound about the experience of it.
36.35 - Sherry reflects
36.44 - Edwin - One of the qualities is that the conversation
really slows down. For me there's a real spaciousness for me to share
and it takes stress away from having to compete to be heard. I
know I'm going to have as much time as I want to share and be fully
heard, and it creates a calmness in myself.
37.23 - Sherry reflects
36.44 - Edwin - But sometimes in the process, like now, I feel
I've talked for a while and I feel a little anxious wanting other people
to have a chance to share as well. I just noticed that coming up.
37.54 - Sherry reflects
38.28 - Edwin - I'm wondering if other people are wanting to
talk. I don't want to take up too much time, even though I am allowed
too.
38.50 - Sherry reflects
39.13 - Edwin - I'm noticing that in the reflective
listening and as it goes on I'm able to connect to more feelings that
come up . I love that. It's like the metaphor of the onion, that if I'm
an onion, I'm slowing pealing away layers and there's a space for that
to come up. Which is maybe the self empathy, I'm able to empathize with
myself. I'm able to bring up more and more. More and more bubbling up.
39.51 - Sherry reflects
40:46 - Sherry to Shelly -
I want to explain it metaphorically, In reflective listening
I want my soul to mirror what the other person says. I can mirror
as much as they wish to share. I can reflect their words, their
body tone, their feelings, the meaning of what they say. I have to
look down into my mirror and send back what it is that I am seeing to
the best of my ability. Sometimes I struggle with it. I look
and I have forgotten what was projected onto my soul. I have to remember
it. Sometimes it's like a jumble of words and I'm wanting to
reflect some kind of a deeper essence and I don't see that essence of
meaning. What is the feeling that the person is sending?
Is it a jumble of words? and I can't remember the words.
They just don't come to me. I may need time to reflect.. How about
I take more time.. say.. "I need a lot of time to see what
comes up from my memory."
What is your experience with reflection?
What we are doing a nurturing a reflective way of being. To deeply hear
and feel what the other person is saying and meaning, and trying to
reflect back that back with as great of authenticity as possible by not
trying to add anything, change it, judge it., (which means to try
to suppress it).
================================= Post Circle 6 Comments
Creating a Metaphor of Reflective Listening
We started exploring what a metaphor of Reflective
Listening would be like.
We started playing with different metaphors but didn't have time to come
up with a finished one. (We were going to continue the discussion
in the next circle but didn't.) There was the image of RL being
like walking with someone through the levels of hell, as well as,
heaven.
The walking with a quality of empathy and the fidelity of the reflection..
The images started becoming rather poetic. I had the idea that the
empathy circle would be good for creating artistic expressions like a
poem, song, story, movement, etc. It would be good continue exploring
using a circle for creating a metaphor of what reflective
listening is like.
Teresa:
Sherry’s metaphor walking through a field with someone resonates with
me. What that field looks like with empathy compared to no empathy
changes the way the field would look like and how I /we would feel in
that environment, peaceful walk or struggling through thorns and briars.
Stop, Drop, & Roll is a good descriptor of how to approach reflective
listening in that one needs to
Stop (pause and be present)
Drop (habits
that block empathy such as: judgments, taking it personally, or “fix it”
attitudes) and
Roll with reflective listening (what you heard another
say).
Sherry:
Today I learned I’m bringing my experience with yoga, hiking, meditation
and shamanic practice into how I engage with reflective listening. (It’s
a combination of stopping, showing up, paying attention to the others’
perspective/experience, mirroring that back (in words and beyond), and
then seeing what happens next - following ) I imagine others are
bringing in their experiences too. So, there is not likely one way to
“best” approach reflective listening. Metaphor may be useful for some in
learning/understanding how to do this (brings in more of our brain
function when we consider metaphor...?). For others, a list of what to
do may be more useful. I tend to consider metaphor and then make a list
from that ;-) I resonate with Edwin’s landscape metaphor and took off
from there. Hiking through the landscape of their experience with
someone (it becomes our experience!). Or wrestling them to the ground -
also an experience.
Edwin:
I’m looking for a deeper clarity of reflective listening and empathy.
The metaphors of empathy and RL works really well for me.. I’m excited
about this development of the metaphor together.
The qualities of empathy, the smoothness, the catching of
the thorns and velcro being judgments. etc.
The walking with quality of empathy and the fidelity of
the reflection.. Being able to walk with someone through the levels of
hell as well as heaven. Like the angel Gabriel accompanying
Dante through the Inferno. The
images we were coming up with were turning into a poem of sorts.
How about creating a poem of RL?
When we empathize we don’t
catch on each others judgments,.
We don’t walk away from each other,
We don’t wrestle each other to the ground..
We walk with each other.....
Next step: think about metaphors of reflective listening
and keep working on a shared metaphor.
