I Will Meet You There A Practical Guide to Empathy, Mindfulness
and Communication.
Shantigarbha
Shantigarbha is an experienced teacher of both Nonviolent Communication
(NVC) and Buddhism; he is also a member of the Triratna Buddhist Order.
Shantigarbha is an international NVC trainer, certified with the
International Centre for Nonviolent
Communication. He teaches on CNVC's
International Intensive Trainings (IITs), is a CNVC
Assessor-in-training, and serves on the Social Change and Peacemaking
working group. He was given the name Shantigarbha, which means
"seed of peace". He is author of,
I'll Meet You There: A Practical
Guide to Empathy, Mindfulness and Communication.
Empathy is an intuitive body-sense rather that an
intellectual understanding of other people's psychology.
Empathy is appreciating and valuing what is
fundamental to the other person, their deep motivations, their physical
needs, their hopes and dreams. It involved imagining how the other
person might feel in their situation and what is
important to them.
Shantigarbha shows how we connect with each other in the space that
opens up when we let go of our ideas of good and bad, right and wrong.
When we feel safe and connected to ourselves, we don’t need to use these
labels, and we are also connected to the people around us with a sense
of compassionate presence, intense closeness, and empathy. To empathize
with others, we need to learn how to empathize with ourselves, so that
when we reach out, we do so from the inside out. To support this, in
each chapter there are practical exercises for individual or group
study. Shantigarbha also shows how through this empathy we can find a
way to stay connected to our humanity, and contribute to a more peaceful
world.
Contents
Part One: A brief history of empathy
Chapter 1: The evolution of empathy
Chapter 2: The Buddha and Jesus
Chapter 3: The origins of the word 'empathy'
Part Two: Empathy and Nonviolent Communications (NVC)
Chapter 4: Marshall and the Palestinians
Chapter 5: How not to empathize
Chapter 6: Intention, presence, and focus
Chapter 7: Timing and sustaining empathy
Chapter 8: Empathy archery
Part Three: A Buddhist perspective
Chapter 9: Empathy and mindfulness
Chapter 10: The ethics of empathy
Chapter 11: The empathic Buddha
Chapter 12: The moon at the window
Part Four: Drawing the threads together
Chapter 13: Empathy in children
Chapter 14: Empathy and compassion
Conclusion
Appendix A: Human needs
Appendix B: List of feelings
Quotes:
"Empathy is an intuitive body-sense rather that an
intellectual understanding of other people's psychology. " -
Shantigarbha
Empathy: what, why and how'
"Empathy is a compassionate understanding of another's experience. It's
the basis of ethics and compassion. We develop it by expanding our
'natural' empathy through practise." A talk given at Buddhafield 2011 in
the Dharma Parlour on 15 July 2011
Empathy: what, why and how?
A talk given at the Buddhafield Festival, UK, July 2011
Context
I’m a member
of the Triratna Buddhist Order and a Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
trainer. Empathy and honesty are the key components of both.
Through NVC
I’ve understood the ‘Bodhisattva ideal’ (Enlightenment for the benefit
of all beings) teachings of Buddhism more deeply.
Marshall
Rosenberg, who developed NVC, said “Whatever humans do, they are
trying to fulfil their needs. Needs are the resources life requires to
sustain itself.”
This was how
I imagined a ‘Bodhisattva’ would relate to other human beings: as
continuously trying to enrich their lives.
Gave me a
glimpse of how I could serve myself and others.
What is
empathy?
An empathic vision
Immediately
after his Enlightenment the Buddha faced a dilemma: he realized that
it was going to be difficult for him to communicate Enlightenment to
others. He decided not to teach.
A great god
called Brahma Sahampati begged the Buddha to teach: ‘There are some
who will understand. They won’t fulfil their potential if they don’t
hear you teach.’
The Buddha
looked out on beings in compassion, and saw them as lotuses at
different stages of development in a pond. He saw them in terms of
their spiritual potential – an empathic vision. He decided to teach
what he had learned.
Anukampa
A
traditional description of the Buddha says that he comes into the
world out of compassion ‘anukampa’ for the world. Anukampa
means ‘trembling with’, even ‘resonating with’. So the Buddha trembles
with, resonates with all beings.
So what is
empathy?
Empathy is
the anukampa aspect of compassion.
It is
external mindfulness.
It is the
reflective aspect of the Four Brahmaviharas: Loving Kindness,
Compassion, Sympathetic Joy and Equanimity.
In a
sentence: “Empathy is a compassionate understanding of other’s
experience.”
Empathy is
not the same as agreeing
I can still
empathize with a ‘suicide bomber’, even if I don’t agree with their
methods or worldview.
Empathy is
one of a number of choices we have to embody our compassion
It’s not the
only choice we have: we could choose to embody our compassionate
intention by choosing to stay connected to ourselves, by choosing to
express ourselves, or by acting in some other way.
Why is
empathy important?
Compassionate connection
Empathy is
important because it helps create compassionate connection.
Where else
is empathy regarded as important?
1. Supporting
connection, cooperation and social responsibility.
2. Emotional
Intelligence.
3. The basis
of a moral sense – the ‘Ethics of Empathy’.
4. External
mindfulness.
5. Basis of
self-compassion.
6. Basis of
compassion.
7.
Therapeutically healing.
8. Healthy.
9. Mediation,
conflict resolution and restorative justice.
Empathy as
the basis for ethics and compassion
Story: King
Pasenadi and Queen Mallikaa, from the Buddhist scriptures (the Pali
Canon). King Pasenadi and Queen Mallikaa: “No-one is dearer to me than
myself.” The Buddha echoes this, ‘If you love yourself, and realise
that all of us hold ourselves dear, you will also love others and
avoid harming them.’
The ethics
of empathy
My Buddhist
teacher, Urgyen Sangharakshita, argues that empathy is the basis of
ethics and compassion: ethics is really to do with feeling solidarity
with all life.
It involves
connection and imagination. We need to feel a connection with
those whom our actions may affect i.e. care about the impact of our
actions, and be able to imagine the impact of our actions on
them.
The Dalai
Lama echoes this in his book Ancient Wisdom, Modern World: Ethics
for the new Millennium.
Modern moral
theory also places the imaginative ability to empathize at the heart
of moral motivation.
Empathy:
how?
How did it
develop?
Empathy
probably goes back as far as the first mammals.
According to
modern neuroscience, our brains make use of special ‘Mirror neurons’
to create maps of the intentions of others, and to resonate
emotionally with them.
Practical
tips for developing empathy
Developing
empathy is a matter of expanding our ‘natural’ empathy
Not “Putting
yourself in someone else’s shoes” – this will likely cause distress,
which blocks empathy. Rather than putting yourself in their shoes, can
you imagine/sense what it’s like for them to have them on?
What
empathy isn’t
Story: an
unempathic conversation.
Things that
may not be heard as empathy:
1. Giving
advice/Fixing it
2.
Explaining it away
3.
Correcting it
4. Consoling
5. Telling a
story
6. “Don’t
Feel…”
7.
Sympathizing
8. Colluding
9. Pitying
10.
Investigating/interrogating
11. Evaluating
12. Educating
13. One-Up
Elements of
empathy
Intention:
focus on your intention to connect compassionately.
Presence:
empathy is about ‘being with’ that person, giving our attention, our
presence.
Focus:
on what is alive in the other person right now: their vedana
(feelings) and their cetana (deeper motivations/ needs).
Timing:
We might use words when we want to check if we really are present,
and/or if we imagine that the speaker would like some reassurance that
we are with them:
Sense
what’s important to the speaker, and voice your guess:
“Seems
as if you wish...?”
“Were
you wanting...?”
“Are you
hoping...?”
“Are you
feeling x, and is that because you need y?”
Sustaining: If I have space to connect
with myself, I have space to connect with others.
Story:
prison dialogue
Visit to New
England prison.
Mourning as
a need: mourning for lost dreams and lost lives. Moment of shared
humanity.
Empathizing
with the prisoners.
Empathizing
with ‘terrorists’?
Empathy is
an aspect of compassion. Compassion by its nature extends even to our
enemies.
London 7/7
bombings. What are the needs on both sides?
Personal
connection with this incident. Self-empathy first.
Guessing the
needs of the ‘terrorist’: he deeply wants to be understood. He
seems to want understanding for the depth of his motivation.
I regain a
sense of connection with humanity. If we can do this with someone we
regard as ‘inhuman’, and label as ‘terrorist’ and ‘suicide bomber’,
could we do it with anyone, and indeed, all life?
Summary
What?
“Empathy is a compassionate understanding of another’s experience.”
Why? It’s
the basis of ethics and compassion. It creates compassionate
connection.
How?
Expanding our ‘natural’ empathy through practise.
