Kelly Bryson, MA, MFT is the author of the best selling
book,
Don't Be Nice, Be Real –
Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others. He is a licensed
therapist in private practice, lecturer, workshop facilitator, and
consultant. He has been an authorized trainer for the International Center
for Nonviolent Communication for over 20 years, and has trained thousands
in the US, Europe, and the Middle East. Kelly is also a humorist,
guitarist, singer, and songwriter. He in now working on building new
authentic empathy communities & cultures.
Kelly
writes, "When I empathize with someone, I become a strong and gentle wind,
filling the sailboat of the other’s inner exploration. As the Wind, I
have no control over the steering of the boat. That is left up to the
captain of the ship, the person I am being present to. I do not try to
direct, only connect with where the other is in this very present moment.
I bring in no ideas of thoughts about the past or the future. I bring in
no thoughts of my own. I have no preference for where we go on this
journey – only that it come from the captain’s heart and choice. The
purpose of my presence is connection, never correction. I am a steady,
present trade wind, not an impatient and gusty gale."
When I empathize with
someone,
I become a strong and gentle wind,
filling the sailboat of the other’s inner exploration.
"Empathy brings in nothing from the past. When I
am empathizing I am not remembering when I was having a similar
experience. In one sense I am not even there. The only thing present is
your experience, feelings and stories. I am being with the felt sense of
them. Relating to another experience is about you. Empathizing is about
them. Some people get so caught up in the fear of wondering whether they
are empathizing correctly that very little empathy or attention is left to
be with the other. It is not really about doing empathy or giving empathy
- it is being empathy."
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"Karl Smerecnik interviews Kelly Bryson live on 16 September,
2013 about using
authentic communication to create a new culture based
on community,
interdependence, authenticity, transparency, play and
trust."
Workshops and therapy hasn't worked so well
for social change.
Needing Community
Zegg forum issues
I heal by working with the group
instead of a therapist or doing it on your own
Illness maybe from isolation
wants Collective Messiahs - a We consciousness
How do we more move from I to We?
Types of
Communities
Collectivist community - what's good for the community - Ask not ..
communitarian community - strong individuals in group
24:30 Authenticity and empathy?
I love what empathy does. When we create the Zegg forum we create a ring
of empathy. .. sit tight together and create a field of presence and empathy.
We used to do this with speaking circles, people learning to speak in public.
Create a listening field, all these people sit very tightly together and be very
present and provide high octane empathy. What that does is helps us relax
energetically and emotionally. Then we can drop our hair down and start
saying what's alive in us, because we feel the acceptance.
The empathy creates a sense of acceptance. Then we start to find parts of
ourselves, that we wouldn't be able to find without that presence and
acceptance and empathy. It kind of sucks us out of us like a vacuum
cleaner, it pulls forth an authenticity, acceptance, empathy from our
community from a...
We're needing self empathy and self connection. The inner connection created by
empathy...
Compassion is a special case of empathy, it's where my heart goes out to
the other person in an intense love for the other person. Whereas empathy is
just presence in another sense.
Drama Triangle and Empathy
With empathy people can shift out of their victimhood
Not just Empathizing with a story that has no energy to it.
How am I going to find community, how am I going to build community?
Check book called tribes
I talked with people around me in santa cruz
People heard about it and got attracted to it.
Get 2 or 3 people - it creates an attractor
Just start with friends
hold a potluck and video
a chat about it - grow the field
Fred: the field of energy in a group
put Fred first
ways of creating energy - play music
Multiple technologies for creating the environment
It is not doing empathy or giving empathy - it is
being empathy.
Empathy is an energy, not a modality or a technique.
Empathy is closely related to presence.
"Two pure forms of teaching presence applied to
therapy and education can be found in the work of Carl Rogers and
Charlotte Selver". ... listening
people
Carl Rogers
Marshall Rosenberg
Gene Gendlin - focusing
Apologizing is not Empathizing
retributive v restorative justice
Sharpening the "Skill Saw" of Empathy
"I find myself ever sharpening my skills at this
mystical and profound art and science of empathy"
self-empathy
Empathy Before Explanations
"Empathy is spiritually protected and cannot be
misused. The intention of empathy is to connect, not to direct or
correct, and explanations before empathy sound like excuses."
"You can have technical skills at empathy and still
have low octane presence in the empathy."
Whys Aren't Wise
"Don't use "why" when trying to empathize."
"The difference between a healer and a fixer is
that one empathizes until what is needed emerges and the other
assumes what is need and goes about giving it whether it is wanted
or not."
Connecting before Correcting
Human Needs being All Human Deeds
"A major block to developing empathy for others and
to wholeness within the individual is the fear of receiving
empathy."
Men have more difficulty with empathy than woman.
empathy and
fear of receiving empathy
fear of losing control or going crazy
fear opening to painful feelings
The End of Empathy
people that keep telling their stories even if they
get empathy
"a point where empathy no longer serves them"
Empathy when you can Honesty When you Can't
"one time not to empathize is when the request for
empathy is sensed as a demand."
Empathy in the Extreme
"As long as you are hating yourself, you can't let
in empathy. Without self-empathy you can't stop seeing yourself as
weak, stupid, or lazy."
Empathy Eases and Expands
"It is high and holy practice of holistic
selfishness to maintain an expanded consciousness of empathic
undergrounding for everyone."
Drama Triangle and Empathy
With empathy people can shift out of their victimhood
Not just Empathizing with a story that has no energy to it.
